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Life Update

Well here it goes

  • I have to be out of my apartment end of july
  • Moving to raleigh/durham
  • I thought of transferring my job to raleigh/durham
  • Then i got fed up with my job, nothing is ever fair, considerate, or right
  • So now i am hopefully going to quit my job at the end of july too
  • Move to Raleigh and be with my boyfriend and start my work life over
  • I can’t take my job anymore there is just too much shit and it just sucks. its not worth the money because i’m always unhappy

and that is it for now.

Small update on my life

  • I am staying in my apartment at least till the end of July to figure out what I am doing with my life
  • I am definitely going to Durham with my boyfriend. We had the talk. The serious talk. It didn’t go as well as I would have liked but I came to my senses and realized why does it matter now when everything is  just fine and that he WANTS me to come with him? What else matters beyond that? Nothing. So i am ok now.
  • I am doing 100 days of happiness it is hard. man my life is so repetitive.
  • 32 days till i have the place to myself! YES.
  • And another 2 months till my friends come down to CHARLESTON FOR A WEEK. SUPER PUMPED. I hate work.
  • I constantly think about wanting to quit work.
  • I also can’t wait to go home for my cousins wedding in 31 days!
  • I still suck at working out.

YUP I think thats it. See boring life now. Except not.

oh there is another word:

I feel rejected.

But once again. They didn’t know I don’t live with them and its the middle of the week. so why would they think of texting me to come hang out. Maybe it wouldn’t bug me as much if she wasn’t there not that she is a threat to me or my boyfriend but its the fact that she doesn’t live there and she is still there at 1am. Maybe thats why i have such a problem with it. If it was just the guys well fine i probably wouldnt feel this way….or as strongly.

damn. i hate my reaction to this. but i also want to be there

well fuck I have alienation/ ostracized problems

FUCK i really suck at feeling left out. I hate it. I hate hearing things happen with out me. Not that i want to be the center of attention but i just always want to be there cause i’m never there it seems. But yet I am. its confusing. I don’t know why i get this feeling built up so strongly inside of me and it like boils and burns me. I hate it. two of my best guy friends and another girl are still awake and now hanging out with my boyfriend at one fucking am and i’m not there. Its a work night and i’m upset about it because i want to be there. because i have stupid problems of feeling ostracized. yes I had to look up the right word to describe it so for me ostracized is a big word. 

But man how and why does a feeling like this ripple up so strongly inside of me? I wish I knew why because i hate it. I hate feeling selfish like this and feeling like i’m being left out when i’m not, i just don’t live there, but neither does the lady, but still I feel sad and angry that the guys didn’t want to text me to join them. So instead I sit and watch a movie by myself but i did have my cat but still. ok yes i could have texted them but how the hell would i have known they would have hung out till fucking 1am when they usually go to bed around 1030pm. ughhh

So this is my problem I have alienation feeling left out problems. I have never done well in that area. Never handled not being there well. it tears me apart. So how do i overcome it? I don’t know. i really don’t know.

Find a solution. But where? how? i don’t know?

Update on Living situation

I still have no place to live.

But there are more options

I am applying for jobs in Durham

I may have a house i could possibly live in about 20 min away from where i am always hanging out…but that involves moving to a place where i probably won’t be a my cat will probably really be alone then, and i’m not sure where it is located and if it is around anyone…thus would i feel safe. But its a friends house. We shall see.

Other than that no new update. still no place to live.